A short Ode to the Bean and Cheese Burrito

Some things are best left in their simplistic form.  There are a lot of items that are just as perfect in their simplicity as they are tricked to the inth degree.  Bacon is one such example.  A thick strip of perfectly cooked bacon is one of the most enjoyable items in the world.  Yet, you can easily throw it on a burger, wrap it around a scallop, dip it in pancake batter and make breakfast suckers, or eat it the way I did as a kid and place it between my fingers like wolverine’s claws; food can also be a weapon when you’re a child… or 35.

The bean and cheese burrito is like this.  It’s not as wonderful as bacon, but it gets the job done perfectly.  It’s the significant other whose a solid 6 in the looks department, amazing with kids (or not if you’re my SO), you’re friends love her, and she never gone bat shit crazy in front of you.  She’s very affable but she doesn’t do any one thing outstanding, she’s just slightly above average in everything.  That’s the bean and cheese burrito.  A good tortilla, re fried beans, and cheese; I prefer the mixed cheese but some queso blanco is also fine.  It’s not going to blow anyone’s mind or create 5 stars on Yelp but it will fill you up any time of the day.  You get some protein, some carbs, and some veggies (salsa) to either start your day or power you through that drive home.  Adding some carnita’s or barbacoa, cilantro, sour cream and avocado and you’ve got a far superior meal but you also a giant Los Lupes style meal that’s going to put you to sleep after that 15- 20 minute bathroom break you absolutely have to make.  And you better be near a clean restroom, otherwise you’ll end up doing the dirty behind a tree you sprinted to while using that left sock to clean up. Give me the simple bean cheese taco for most meals and I’m set.

I had a Cancer Baby and Aborted It Pt. 1

In late August as I finished drafting what would be my eventual 3rd place team in the football fanatics fantasy league my friend Grandall just completed his required 6 hour "How to tell if your dental patient has cancer class".  This was note worthy because I was 4 gin and tonics and 3 Miller lites into celebrating what I hoped would not be the third year of finishing 3rd in the league but also because he suddenly became aware of a strange brown cloud like design on my upper left shoulder.  Nestled between a couple tattoos was, what I can best describe as three different colored brown clouds coming together with a bright red center.  I have no idea how long it had been there and never noticed it before in my life.  After examining it his conclusion, along with everyone eles there, was that I had to go get this checked out.

Being a man, and one that does not have a primary care physician nor seen a doctor for anything but broken bones and muscle tears but has had health insurance for over 10 years I didn't immediately go.  I might have waited a little longer than I should have. After multiple threats from his wife about not going to my funeral when I die from cancer I looked online and picked one Aetna told me was within the 2 mile bubble of work and home. So I scheduled an appointment for the next week, which happened to fall the week before Turkey Day, which also meant the Grandall's would be in town.  I had to take care of this so I wouldn't get yelled at for my impending death from the whole family.  That's really the only reason I went in November. 

The dermatologist looked at it and said he was pretty certain it was cancerous and had to come off.  He also wanted to do a full run down of my moles and spots.  You never know how many there are until you're spread eagle on a table when a guy is calling out 8,000 different moles of various sizes and their dimensions to someone jotting them down.  It's a wonder every woman who ever saw me naked didn't shriek away in terror at the sight of all those moles, damn German/ English ancestry. After needing an excel spreadsheet to log my mutations he put me on my side and carved out a nickel size of skin. He explained it would need to sent to a lab for testing but I should be prepared to come back and donate some more skin and tissue.  He was pretty adamant the skin was positive for melanoma.  Sure enough. I went back and donated some more shoulder to the cancer cause. He carved a little farther down and a little more around the area, this time it looked fine but he still had to send it in.   This next sample also came back positive for Melanoma both horizontal and vertical.  He referred me to a surgeon and used doctor speak to say "Don't fuck around with this- we're in serious mode now". 

I picked a nice sounding German name, I've had good luck with my people as doctors in the past, and went to Medical City.  I walked past numerous people crying and held the elevator door open for a women in her late 30's who quietly sobbed out a 'thank you'.  This is not what you want to see as you're going to the cancer doc.  We both got off on the 7th floor and right in front of me was  sign for an office that said "Terminal Cancer Ward".  WHAT THE FUCK???  Whoever does the room assignments for medical city should be fired.  I'm not in marketing or logistics but don't put the damn death ward as the first thing you see when you get off the elevator. Jesus, people. The room number for Das Doktor was all the way down the hall.  Since it was Christmas time I heard carols played over the loud speaker at a very loud volume.  I passed 2 separate families huddled together crying in front of another office that said "Terminal Heart and Organ Center".  This just keeps getting better.  People are crying down every hall because they just got last rites and god damn "Frosty the snowman, was jolly happy soul" is blaring at me.  Maybe the volume was so loud to drown out the crying.  Whatever it was I realized they put everyone that has any possibility of dying together on one floor.  Childhood Lymphoma- check, Heart Failure- check, I was pretty sure if I went far enough down the hall I'd find the Ebola ward with that hot Asian nurse in it.

I filled out 30 something different forms and about 1,000 that related to insurance.  Then waited 45 minutes past the time of my appointment.  Has there ever been a doctor anytime in the history of medicine who was remotely on time?  They took me into a room decorated with African art everywhere; spears, masks, rugs, I think there was even the dashiki James Earl Jones wore in 'Coming to America'. I sent a snap chat of a few photos to my friend Tae who was impressed that I was at an African Art museum on a Tuesday at 9:45am.  I didn't explain it was a doctor's office, just took the props of being rich with culture and waited another 20 minutes for Heir Biertsch to come in.  They set me up to an ultra sound machine and he noticed it my lymph nodes were inflamed. When he said "There it is" I looked at him with a serious face and said "So... I'm pregnant. With a cancer baby".  Germans, don't have the best sense of humor.  Apparently older white female PA's and young attractive Mexican assistants don't either.  He promptly walked out of the room and left me in their care.  They ran an EKG on me through my feet, not sure if this is normal or he was getting me back for the cancer baby comment.  After that I waited another 20 minutes for his explanation that one of my lymph nodes was inflamed and since both sets of skin came back positive for Melanoma they needed to do surgery either today or the next day to remove 2 lymph nodes and some more skin. Fuuuuuuuuuuck.......

Not Drinking for 30 Days is Stupid

Around the end of December I finally received the email I had been dreading.  My adult soccer league was going to start back up on February 15th.  Along with the normal holiday shenanigans such as eating too many pumpkin flavored items, drinking more than I should with friends home for the season, and gorging myself on egg nog I also had a cancer baby aborted in my shoulder.  Due to this little melanoma issue I wasn't able to run or lift weights for a few weeks.  I definitely didn't have some giant workout regime planned or commit to joining a crossfit cult but I was off work for 2 weeks and some of that to be spent playing golf and mountain biking.  Instead it was spent watching Korean/ Japanese/ and Indonesian karate movies on NetFlix while devouring red baron pizzas (the best crap pizza out there IMO).  I tried running once, two weeks after the surgery I busted open the stitches on my upper deltoid.  Meh.... Then the email from Pat came about the season on December 30th and I realized I had 6ish weeks to get in Shape.  That's when this brilliant idea came to me. Why don't I quit drinking for January to assist getting back in match shape.  Last season didn't start off so hot for our team and if there's anyway I can get in slightly better shape than I was when the season ended maybe we wouldn't lose every single game we played.  The one game we won was by forfeit.  It was the day after #Teamginger tied the knot and they called in to forfeit before we could do the same thing.

1st Week- The first week wasn't too bad.  I made sure to drink frat boy style on NYE so even hearing the word alcohol made me queasy for a couple days.  I spent the first weekend watching Red Box movies and cleaning.  I vacuumed, cleaned the ever living shit out of bathroom, did laundry, actually put up the laundry instead of throwing it on my bed, then staring at it, then saying I'd put it up, then just throwing it all on into a pile on the floor when it was time to go to bed.  The Cowboys made the playoffs with game one against the Lions.  There was no way I was going to The Hub to meet my group of friends.  Most of them said things like "Just go and drink water" or "I'll make sure you don't drink"...  Sorry none of that is possible; I'm not built that way.  That's like taking a straight guy to the Victoria's Secret swimsuit shoot during the body paint scenes and telling him to just stare at the ocean and collect sea shells.  Also, even though my friends said they wouldn't let me drink I know better.  If the tables were reversed and I smelled weakness in them I would poke the bear.  I would think of every reason possible- Especially once Dallas won.  Then I could pull out the "We haven't won a playoff game in 20 years, even Aikman is drinking and he never does. He doesn't believe in it and Troy Freaking Aikman is drinking a beer on National TV".  Even though Troy didn't drink a beer on TV and has no issue with drinking at all this totally made up fact would help guilt said friend into drinking.  Another good line I've used on Nancy boy during rosh hashanah is the ol "one shot won't hurt- you're an adult and you can limit yourself to one shot".  You probably think I'm a terrible person for doing this, and I am and I'm proud of it.  I would be equally disappointed if my friends didn't also smell the blood in the water and circle me with Peticolas, Rumple, Gin, and made up stories to break me.  If they didn't, they would't be my friends and I'd lose all respect for them.

2nd Week- again, not too bad.  I don't usually drink during the week because work is always one email away from a never ending fire drill.  I worked out three times during the week and was constantly busy right up until the weekend started.  Friday afternoon and another Red Box session which included the Equalizer with Denzel (decent action, horrible storyline and just unbelievable in the tard script writing department), Guardians of the Galaxy (again), and Lego Movie (3rd time and everything was still awesome).  I cooked dinner for Swa & E then went to bed around 1am.  Fully awake at seven freaking thirty I did what I assumed most adults that have kids or hate their life due to distract them for being bored- I started cleaning.  After doing this pretty thoroughly last weekend I knew exactly where to start,  I threw a load in the laundry, cleaned up the living room from my binge on gummi bears, gummi coke bottles, and sour patch kids.  Then started vacuuming followed by the bathroom and kitchen in between drinking 8 cups of coffee.  I was finished up with everything but my laundry and it wasn't even 10:00.  What the hell was I supposed to do for now.  I checked the EPL times and ran down to our theater room to watch some matches.  After it was over I met a friend up at Brookhaven and we played soccer.  I got home around 3:00 and had nothing to do.  There isn't anything else on Red Box, I've cleaned my apartment so much it smells like bleach, and NetFlix hasn't loaded any other new Karate movies.  They added some bollywood crap but I can't swing that.  How the hell I am supposed to believe this guy named 'The Don' (real original) is this stone cold killer and world wide drug dealer when he breaks into show tunes every 20 minutes?  I down loaded a few new books on my iPad- eye fucked a bottle of Stag's Leap petite syrah that's in my wine fridge and then went to sleep.  Sunday started horribly with Man U playing Southampton and losing at home 0-1 (LVG- quit this nonsense with 3-5-2.  Di Maria and Herrera in the middle in a 4-4-2 with Rooney up top next to RVP/ Falaco).  Up next was Cowboys V Packers and I again sat at my house to watch.  I had some friends out at a bar and others were at a house watching party.  I could've gone there but everyone was a Packer fan.  My friend Cassie isn't a good winner or loser- she talks a lot of shit either way and that wouldn't have been good.  Knowing how it ended with that bull shit call on Dez I'm glad I didn't attempt to meet any one out.  Going from the highest of highs on a 4th and 2 catch to win the game to a non-catch and turn over on downs.... I hate sports.  I'm taking up knitting and sports can suck it.  God, I hate sports.

3rd week- Another friday and me and the CVS employees are beginning to get tight.  They know they can count on me every Friday afternoon to get a mix of gummi candy and other sugar items.  I know my mouth waters when I walk past the booze isle and see Shiner Holiday Cheer is on sale.  Not a lot went on this weekend.  I played soccer, ran, cleaned again, and then went to Cassie's to watch Packers V Seahawks with her husband, their 2 year old and their 4 year old.  Packers imploded and lost and after 3 plus hours in the company of screaming children whose sole ambition in life is to put sheer terror into the other one and their parents I needed to binge on something.  I called Pizza hut on the way home and ordered a large cheese stuffed crust pizza with pepperoni, sausage, and pineapple.  Just so I wouldn't feel to guilt ridden I txt Maily and told her to come over for pizza.  I didn't expect her to, nor did i really want her too.  I wanted silence and eat my self into a freaking meat and cheese coma.  If I couldn't have a beer or a bag of double stuff Oreo's with milk to binge on this pizza would have to do the trick.
We had Monday off for MLK day which again presented its own challenges of what to do.  Being the most productive adult ever I re-cleaned my bathroom, re-vacuumed, and cleaned out and rearranged one of my closets.  Being this kind of adult sucks

4th week- My boss is back from India now.  He wanted to head over to happy hour and talk EPL matches and Man U but I had to tell him I'm not drinking for another week.  He was confused, his cheeks moved up and his left eye twitched in morse code to ask me "why would you do such a thing?"  I didn't have an answer and sulked away like someone who just broke up with a girlfriend for reasons even he didn't understand.  I made my way to CVS and realized I've seen everything there is to see; I left with the requisite gummi fix and no movies.  Another Saturday and another round of cleaning.  You know, I even took apart my Dyson to clean it.  Not just the normal filter clean but took it all apart and wiped it all down with a wet towel inside and out.  With only one load of laundry to do and 14 hours to kill since we're in a sports black hole  I grabbed my soccer ball and went to the pitch.  After a few hours there I went to lunch with a friend and hit every soccer store around the DFW area, Followed that up with the Richardson Bike Mart and went to the grocery store.  I was home with 6 more hours till midnight.  I could either go to bed now like the near deads or find some reason to stay up.  I read some more, combined a bunch of seasoning for a pork loin I would cook the next day and then went to bed listening to Van Morrison.  Minus the cats I've become my mom.

This is the last week of this god awful experiment.  A few people have said I need to find friends that don't drink to hang out with.  Yeah, I tired that- and you didn't hear anything about them in the above paragraphs did you?  They're boring as fuck!  You know those meme's that state "No god story ever started with I was sober when...".  It's true, it's all true.  Alcohol, the partying, all of it is needed.  The weekend is far too long to be sober through it all, you get everything done you ever hoped to in the first 2 weeks.  I've vacuumed every weekend for the last 4 weeks- I can't prove it but I'm sure that's bad for my floors.  I've gone through a whole bottle of bleach powered bathroom cleaner.  I've decided the hangover is there for you.  You need this bit of self loathing while wishing for a quick death so your floors will last longer.  You need to remove thought from your brain for a couple hours every weekend so you don't spiral down the bleach cleaning rabbit hole of bathroom lore.  When you drink you're borrowing happiness from tomorrow.  And that's a good thing.  You shouldn't be up that many hours in a day.  You need to sleep in, you need to binge watch season 12 of Family Guy on NetFlix while sleeping through a few episodes here and there when it's focused on Meg.  You need to be out with friends when you've all had a little too much to drink and your tongues are a little too lose so you say things you only can when you're inebriated.
That's the conclusion I've come to during this challange.  Maybe that sounds crazy, and if it does then it proves my point. Alcohol makes a few of us crazy people sane to the rest of you for a short period in time,

2013 Year End Review/ Recap

Don't worry this isn't some proclamation about my 2014 New Years resolution.  I gave that up a long time ago.  I do like to make lists of things that I want to do more of in the next year.  This is kind of that and a recap of some of the best things of 2013 that I heard, saw, or did.

Starting with 2013
Best Album of the year- Lorde, Pure Heroin.  It was a good year for music with Jay Z's 'Magna Carter', Drake released something completely different in 'Nothing Was The Same', JT finally released something to listen to as opposed to the big screen, Kayne had Yeezus, and Daft Punk killed it with Pharrell.  Lorde came out with 'Pure Heroin' and it was a masterpiece.  You can listen to it for days without it getting tired.  It's going to be tough to follow that one up, but at 17 she has a lot of years left to do it.

Best Comedy- 21 and Over.  I love stupid comedies that are geared around dick and fart jokes.  21 and Over (now on Netflix) was written by the same duo that wrote the first Hangover Movie (but not 2 & 3) so it follows that same humor line.  The premise is simple, 2 friends surprise their friend Jeff Chang to celebrate his 21st birthday.  The kid, Miller, in the movie was definitely modeled after me and his jokes are my style.
Miller: OK, I can tell you don't like me but if you have a sister that looks like you....
Honorable Mention: This is the End

Best Drama- Behind the Candlebra.  Michael Douglas and Matt Damon play Liberace and his former lover in an HBO movie that should have been in theaters.  The performances were amazing and the scenes done so well that it made me uncomfortable, completely forgetting that I was watching actors in movie and not a documentary done memoir.
Honorable Mention: All is Lost

Best Documentary- Blackfish.  I hate when people over use the word "powerful" when describing movies but this is a time its warranted.  If you finish the movie and don't think SeaWorld is doing some horrible things with the Orca's your a horrible human being. Or Dick Chaney.
Honorable Mention: 180 Degrees South

Better than I thought they would be:
Man of Steel- There is a huge difference in the way Marvel movies and DC movies are made.  The Marvel movies (Avengers, Thor, Wolverine, etc) are more focused on the destruction and the special effects than giving any sort of background on the character itself.  DC movies like Batman and this new Superman movie provide enough back story that it draws you in.  The destruction action sequences are an piece of the story but not the main focus.  I liked this version of superman a lot.

Oblivion- A Tom Cruise movie with Olga Kurylenko and a cute ginger chick on Earth in the future.  The story line isn't bad, Tom Cruise does a good job, and the effects are good.  It was $1.50 on a late Friday night Red Box trip after an 11:15 soccer game.  I expected maybe a tolerable NetFlix level 2 movie and got a legit TNT weekend re-run watchable movie.

GI Joe Retaliation- I knew what I was getting into; I wasn't expecting Silver Lining Play Book or The Dark Knight Rises but I thought it was a fun and enjoyable movie.  Ninja's are always cool and The Rock blows shit up.  What more do you want in an action movie to make you smile?

Worse for Watching it:
Identity Thief- so bad I couldn't finish it.

Star Trek: Into Darkness- Horribly predictable without giving me any reason to like the characters.  The first one was very good, in this one I was rooting more for Kahn than Kirk and the amazingly beautiful Zoe Saldana.

Pacific Rim- I knew it would be campy but it sucked.  Stringer Bell (Idris Elba, but he will forever be Stringer Bell in my mind) was good, Charlie from Always Sunny was the exact same Charlie character from Always Sunny, and that Japanese chick w slight purple highlights was very cute.  Not worth watching it at all.

Stand up Guys- Pacino gave up acting about 4 years ago but still makes/mails in movies to pay for something.  This one is horrible.  Another one I didn't finish- a 2 star NetFlix (1 in real life) movie.

Best Trip I took in 2013:

Running with the Bulls in Spain

Honorable Mention: Curacao

Best Meal:

The Governor, Curacao- The best meal I've ever had.  Yes I was in the caribbean and yes the weather was perfect while the wine was excellent but every item we had was the best thing I had ever had.  From the opening soup to the last chocolate mouse dessert we all agreed it was wonderful.   

Honorable Mention: ft33, Dallas.  It's always fantastic, different, and introduces me to flavors I've never tried.

On to things I want to do in 2014:

1. Drink more:
1. Wine- I'd also like to get a little more versed in wine
2. Gin- An underrated liquor that makes a lot of drinks well
3. Whiskey- The American version of scotch and way better.
2. Cook more at home/ attend more pot luck dinners
3. Travel the World & US more
4. Buy less pairs of shoes- I have too many freaking pairs of shoes
5. Complete the Hotter than Hell Ride for the 2nd time- Baring no injuries I think this one is a GO.
6. Drink Less:
1. Rumple- HK believes no one over 23 should drink Rumple so I guess its time I quit. 
2. Jager- I cut it out for the most part in 2013 and it should stay dead
7. Get at least one second date, although the above piece should help with that.
8. Eat more:
1. Seafood- Fish is wonderful, mussels are fantastic, and lobster rolls are tough to beat.
2. Grass fed beef- it's definitely better for you and it tastes great.
3. Protein Smoothies- Breakfast of champs. And RJ.
9. Mountain bike more
10. Try bone marrow
11. Watch more documentaries- Netflix is doing awesome for this.
12. Go camping more
13. Buy less trivial shit
14. Play more golf- A year into this golf experiment and I'm really digging it.  Next up is shoot under 100 consistently.
15. Go to more Rangers Games
16. Cut some ties
17. Eat less fast food, a lot less fast food. Las Palapas is a sit down restaurant and excluded from this proclamation.

Top 5, Bottom 5

Top 4 Christmas Movies

1. Bad(er) Santa- It has to be the unrated directors cut.  Without the unrated director's cut version so much is left out.  It's a great movie; the kids name is Herman Merman, John Ritter's last movie, Bernie Mac, the dynamic of Marcus and his Asian Wife, the Grandmother wanting to always make sandwiches for everyone, and then the Gilmore Girls chick Jewish/ Christmas issues.  A true Classic if there ever was one.
2. Gremlins- A perfect 80's movie.  Gizmo and Scar are the perfect Yin and Tang.  Everyone in the world wanted a mugwai after watching Gremlins.  Everyone that I knew even threw water on their stuffed Gizmo after getting it for Christmas and then swore they made Gremlins.  Awesome Flick.
3. Love Actually- 5 different stories converge into one.  Keira Knightly is at her every hottest, there is a cranky (casually skanky) brunette with a bob like cut that is also very appealing and add to that the subtle British humor and varying plot lines that don't all end up wrapped with a pretty bow at the end.
4. Die Hard- Bruce Willis in his prime!  The famous line "Yippie Kay Yay Motherfuck" delivered by Alan Rickman in his best Hanz Gruber accent, Run DMC's 'Christmas in Hollis', a ginger lead female, and Family Matters Carl as Earl the donut driving cop are all awesome.  Die Hard is one of the best action 80's movies ever.  It's right up there with Road House, Conan, Predator, and the American Ninja series.

Worst 8 Vegetables

1. Brussel Sprouts- steaming balls of baby spinach brains that reak.  Nope!
2. Beets- When I was in the 4rd grade my dad took me to Steak and Ale for the first time.  In addition to whatever steak I ordered They had a salad bar that was 10 feet long with every vegetable known to man.  Hating all of these I prepared to make my normal "salad" with croutons, bacon bits, shredded cheddar cheese, and ranch dressing.  At the end of the bar laid some beets.  I thought these were the jellied cranberry that I love so much at Thanksgiving and piled them on high, sat down and took a huge bit and then dry heaved and spit as I bolted to the bathroom.  Beets suck.  
3. Green beans- no one likes these.  If you have to add bacon to something to make it taste good it's a shitty food.  Bacon makes everything great, but it still can't had the horrible taste and bad texture of green beans.
4. Cauliflower- another food that tries to mask itself with awesome toppings like melted cheese.  Throw some nacho cheese on them and they look almost edible.  One bite in and you realize this freaking thing tricked you.
5. Spinach- tree leaves, nope!
6. Okra- Fake ass french fries.  Oh we're deep frying veggies now to make them edible?
7. Peas- crushed mashed green baby shit
8. Kale- My friend Tae tried to convince me make kale shakes as a way to get veggies in.  So I went to Central market and bough some kale.  I went home and chopped it up- threw in some chocolate protein powder, a banana, some strawberries, and blended it up.  One sip in and I swear a cat snuck into my apartment and ninja back flipped over me while simultaneously shitting in my mouth.  Kale can suck it.

Unknown Comedian Review

Working for a quasi-government company has numerous perks, one being off on Veteran's day.  Being a Veteran myself I appreciate this.  More so because I love having days off than some sort of loyalty to a company that recognizes the sacrifice veterans make.  What did I do on a free Sunday night?  I watched the Cowboys get annihilated by the Saints, I gave Maily a bunch of shit Via txt for watching some DVR WB show instead of watching the Cowboys, I saw an Awesome Pun about T-Rex (Tea Rex w a bowler hat and a cup of Earl Grey), and I watched some shitty comedy from a super hot chick.

After getting kicked in the nuts from the Cowboys game I needed some laughter to make me smile.  I took a chance on a comedian I had never heard of.  It was a huge gamble because 1) It was a women 2) I have never heard of her.  I'm not in the group that thinks women aren't funny; Iliza Shlesinger, Amy Schumer, Nikki Glasser, and Sarah Tiana crack me up all day long.  I took a chance on Anjelah Johnson and hoped for the best.  It started slow.  About 15 minutes in I realized if she wasn't a 8 I would have turned it off.  She wasn't bad, but she wasn't good.  The jokes were the same level my friends make, just a little chuckle laugh.  BUT she's a freaking 10 when you add in her personality.  Let's check the hot boxes: Former Raiderette- check the cheerleader box, Part latin and part native american- check off the bi-racial box, good dancer check off the can you do awesome hip action box, casual clothing dress- check, not cunty- check.  Besides that she hit my trifecta of dark longish hair, hoop earrings, and Nike Dunks (seriously).  As a person, as a girl she would be the perfect catch.  She's beautiful and she sees humor in every day situations.  As a stand up it seemed about open mic level.  There was a lot of basic crowd pleasing lines "Where's my Latins at", "Who here goes to church", "Whose flown on a plane before" but the observational stuff and loop around jokes just weren't there.  You can see she has a passion for it, but to have an hour special on NetFlix already seems premature.  I kept hoping there was more to it and it never became more than an opener trying to work things out.  Iliza's cpecial, which is also on NetFlix, blows it out of the water.  If you want to see a female comedian who does it like a Pro should then watch her special.  Amy Schummer's is also on Comedy Central on Demand so if you don't have NF watch that one.

I'm still craving some comedy so I'm going to Listen to the Joe Rogan Podcast with Joey Diaz and Duncan Trussell.  Trusted Road comics with off collar, low brow humor.... that's where it's at.

Regretful Purchases

Like most normal adults I've done some drunk late night eBaying.  When the packages get delivered a few days later it's better than Christmas.  Wonderful things like a Day of the Dead coffee set, 4 packs of 1973 O-Pee-Chee hockey cards, chocolate covered bacon, Melinda's Naga Jolokia hot sauce, a $35 DVD of Gleaming the Cube starring Christian Slater from 1989, or maybe it's something practical and useful like an Obey fanny pack.  None of these are purchases I regret, these are fantastic amazing items that would make Tom Haverford say "Treat Yo Self'.  I do have numerous things I regret buying.  In fact I've re-gifted numerous gifts that were meant for previous ex's when the relationship ended prior to me giving it to them.  The majority of these things go to Julie and she distributes the "Break Up Swag" as she see's fit.  She kept the Mark Jacobs Sunglasses, gave away some jewelry and donated some clothing to good will.
Side note- A wasp just came in my sliding glass doors.  I didn't give him permission to buzz the tower so I did what uninvited guests wishing to kill me by the most painful death ever should receive; a spritz of wood polish from the swifter to confuse him then a smash against the wall with the removable dust pad.  Team Humans Bitch!

Here we go-

The iTunes purchase of the video of 'Hotel California' by Emerson Nogueira-  At some point one night around 2:20am I really wanted to hear Hotel California from The Eagles.  I was trying to explain how amazing it is on the live version of 'Hell Freezes Over' to a Euro friend of mine who didn't believe me.  I did the 20 second preview but Rumple takes away your ability to.. well, to know anything correctly.  The next day I checked and yup, Emmerson Nogueira is definitely not The Eagles.  Also Euro's can't tell a Mexican from Don Henley either with Rumple infused thoughts.  Total Damage- $1.99

Don Henley

Not Don Henley

Every portable CD player ever- The first "good one" and the last one I purchased are probably the ones I remember the best.  In 1995 I paid somewhere around $170 for a yellow Sony sports discman.  It had anti-skip, shuffle all, repeat 1, repeat all, and was water resistant.  The anti skipping mechanism was absolute crap.  I was so psyched the first time I took it out to run.  I had such high aspirations.  My previous Memorex CD player skipped all the time.  It worked decently when I would lay perfectly still and wrap it in a cocoon of blankets and then secure it in an earthquake proof bumper.  I put the new Sony in an Sony approved CD player fanny pack designed for running (another $55) and started my jog.  It was just as crappy as the old one.  This pattern finally stopped with the $155 Kenwood Exceleon I purchased in 1998.  Yes, it still skipped and sucked horribly so I was fed up and gave it to my sisters.  Thankfully my friend Tor heard about this magical new device called an MP3 Player that we could put all of the music we had downloaded from Napster on.  We went halfsies on a 16mb Rio mp3 player and my world was changed. Total Damage- $125,639.28

Magazine Subscriptions- Every year rag tag groups of meth addicted teens would show up randomly  at my apartment begging me to spend money on subscriptions to FHM, Maxim, and GQ.  I fell for the deal one time because I had just been paid and the chick was hot.  About as hot as a meth addicted chick with a neck tattoo could be.  Somehow the bill for 2 different magazines for a 2 year subscription was something around $145.  After a few months I hadn't received a single issue.  I called the company and they said it was 3-6 months for processing and if I didn't receive an issue by then to call them back.  I received my first 3 issues and then my lease was up and I moved.  Each year the same process would continue and I would shoot them down.  I still have buyers remorse from that summer in 2004.

Total Damage- $145

Juve the Great CD from Juvenile- Yeah, it had 'Slow Motion' on it but besides that it was fucking horrible.  I ripped the song on my computer and then used the CD in the apartment frisbee derby of 2003.  Total Damage- $14.99- fun level from watching it hit Earl right between the eyes on an "errant" throw- $25

Bridesmaids DVD rented at Red Box- I tried to like it, I really did.  I sat through it up to the point where they are on the bus going to some place.  I didn't think it was funny at all and I never got into it.  It seemed like they took the exact same script written for a group of guys and then plugged in females in an attempt to make it work without any re-writes.  Take a clue from 'The Sweetest Thing', that was a girl focused comedy that was hilarious.  Bridesmaids is that girl at the mall that has on Coach shoes, a Louis V purse, True religion's, and John Deere shirt.  Your're trying so hard but it doesn't work and something just isn't right..... Total Damage- $1.59

Sunglasses- I've lost and left more pairs of sunglasses than most people ever buy.  The most recent pair were some Oakley Dispatch II's with green lenses I bought in the O'Hare airport Specifically for St. Patty's day.  They lasted from Wed- Saturday and then at some point on Saturday night I lost them.  I managed to keep track of them until that last bar, but from the bar to The James (Maybe 200 Feet) they walked off.  I also had an awesome pair of all black Dior's that looked like Loc's.  Those just disappeared one day too.  Then there was the clear Oakley Jupiter's with purple lenses, numerous pairs of Spy and Von Zipper's and every pair of sunglasses I bought from 1995- 2004.  I even gave away a pair of Dior's to my friend Shawn one night back in 2010, I saw him not too long ago and he managed to still have them.  The only pair I know exactly was happened to them was in 2002.  Some friends and I were on Gator's Nautique and watching Randy Harris throw re-mixes when a pair of red Spy MC's committed suicide by jumping ot their death and drowning in the lake.  Randy saw it happen, grabbed a pair of Black Fly's he had from being sponsored by them and gave them to me.  Coolest thing ever and I actually won on that deal.  The oldest pair I currently have are some Dolce & Gabbana prescription sunglasses I bought with my HSA account in 2004.  But to be fair to them I did leave them in Jen's car where they lived a nice safe life in Houston until 2012.  I thought I left a pair of Tom Ford shades at Kenny's during a recent trip but thankfully I did not.  I'm horrible with keeping track of them.  You would think by now I would stick with Target shades.  I can't do it.  I still love Von Zipper, Spy, or the ridiculously expensive but amazingly designed Tom Ford shades.  I've been jocking those Oliver People's Micheal Wesson wears on Burn Notice for a few years but eeeek are they expensive.  Plus I'm sure Randy would punch me in the dick when I lose them.

Blockbuster Video Late Fee's- NetFlix has my support for life.  How much of a pain in the ass was it to rent videos?  If you wanted to see something semi-new you paid more than you do now for On Demand movies.  Blockbuster has finally died and I'm happy.  A business plan that revolves around raping you daily on late fees by teenage assholes was bound to fail (take note Yellow Cab, #DallasNeedsUber).  Think about it, back then people made less money and companies, in general, cared about customer service.  Except Blockbuster.  They charged something like $5.99 a day for late fees and $3.99 to rewind the VHS.  If you were unlucky enough to have a late fee some Junior in high school would berate and shame you in front of everyone else until he felt you were one insult away from playing in traffic.  I remember in high school going to rent a movie with a date and there was a $49 late charge from who knows when on there. My choices were pay the $49, which I didn't have or drive across town to the dirtball rental place, Movie Time.  The bulk of their tapes were BetaMax, which hadn't been around in 7 or years and the VHS tapes they did have were either Disney or 3 stooges re-runs.  There was a two week period in Austin when Stephanie and I fell into a pattern of waking up between 1 and 2 pm, then go to blockbuster to "rent" some movies from a guy she knew.  She would smoke him out and then we'd take 3 or 4 movies to watch that afternoon.  We would grab Taco Hell or Jack in the Crack and a 12 pack of Coors light.  After the movies and pre-pre-drinking we'd hit up Bennigans for Pre-drinking and then downtown Austin.  After 2 straight weeks of this the guy got fired and I was lucky enough to keep 'Head of State', 'Chasing Amy', 'Rescue Rangers: Down Under', 'Willow', and 'Half Baked'.  Purely out of principle I kept these 5 movies about 3 years after I got rid of my VHS player.  Total Damage- $3.5 Million in late fees

I'm sure there's a lot more stuff that I can't think of right now.  I know Randy and Julie still won't go to Ruth Chris based on a Bday night we had there one night.  Meal wise, I'm a fat kid and I think almost every meal was worth it.  Wine, nah.  Most of the wine I get is great.  The Neyer Cab wasn't worth the price but at least that's a fun process.  I think right now the best value item I've ever purchased is my swiffer.  Not only does it clean hardwood floors but it's the Patriot Missile of killing wasps.