Like most normal adults I've done some drunk late night eBaying. When the packages get delivered a few days later it's better than Christmas. Wonderful things like a Day of the Dead coffee set, 4 packs of 1973 O-Pee-Chee hockey cards, chocolate covered bacon, Melinda's Naga Jolokia hot sauce, a $35 DVD of Gleaming the Cube starring Christian Slater from 1989, or maybe it's something practical and useful like an Obey fanny pack. None of these are purchases I regret, these are fantastic amazing items that would make Tom Haverford say "Treat Yo Self'. I do have numerous things I regret buying. In fact I've re-gifted numerous gifts that were meant for previous ex's when the relationship ended prior to me giving it to them. The majority of these things go to Julie and she distributes the "Break Up Swag" as she see's fit. She kept the Mark Jacobs Sunglasses, gave away some jewelry and donated some clothing to good will.
Side note- A wasp just came in my sliding glass doors. I didn't give him permission to buzz the tower so I did what uninvited guests wishing to kill me by the most painful death ever should receive; a spritz of wood polish from the swifter to confuse him then a smash against the wall with the removable dust pad. Team Humans Bitch!
Here we go-
Blockbuster Video Late Fee's- NetFlix has my support for life. How much of a pain in the ass was it to rent videos? If you wanted to see something semi-new you paid more than you do now for On Demand movies. Blockbuster has finally died and I'm happy. A business plan that revolves around raping you daily on late fees by teenage assholes was bound to fail (take note Yellow Cab, #DallasNeedsUber). Think about it, back then people made less money and companies, in general, cared about customer service. Except Blockbuster. They charged something like $5.99 a day for late fees and $3.99 to rewind the VHS. If you were unlucky enough to have a late fee some Junior in high school would berate and shame you in front of everyone else until he felt you were one insult away from playing in traffic. I remember in high school going to rent a movie with a date and there was a $49 late charge from who knows when on there. My choices were pay the $49, which I didn't have or drive across town to the dirtball rental place, Movie Time. The bulk of their tapes were BetaMax, which hadn't been around in 7 or years and the VHS tapes they did have were either Disney or 3 stooges re-runs. There was a two week period in Austin when Stephanie and I fell into a pattern of waking up between 1 and 2 pm, then go to blockbuster to "rent" some movies from a guy she knew. She would smoke him out and then we'd take 3 or 4 movies to watch that afternoon. We would grab Taco Hell or Jack in the Crack and a 12 pack of Coors light. After the movies and pre-pre-drinking we'd hit up Bennigans for Pre-drinking and then downtown Austin. After 2 straight weeks of this the guy got fired and I was lucky enough to keep 'Head of State', 'Chasing Amy', 'Rescue Rangers: Down Under', 'Willow', and 'Half Baked'. Purely out of principle I kept these 5 movies about 3 years after I got rid of my VHS player. Total Damage- $3.5 Million in late fees
I'm sure there's a lot more stuff that I can't think of right now. I know Randy and Julie still won't go to Ruth Chris based on a Bday night we had there one night. Meal wise, I'm a fat kid and I think almost every meal was worth it. Wine, nah. Most of the wine I get is great. The Neyer Cab wasn't worth the price but at least that's a fun process. I think right now the best value item I've ever purchased is my swiffer. Not only does it clean hardwood floors but it's the Patriot Missile of killing wasps.
Side note- A wasp just came in my sliding glass doors. I didn't give him permission to buzz the tower so I did what uninvited guests wishing to kill me by the most painful death ever should receive; a spritz of wood polish from the swifter to confuse him then a smash against the wall with the removable dust pad. Team Humans Bitch!
Here we go-
The iTunes purchase of the video of 'Hotel California' by Emerson Nogueira- At some point one night around 2:20am I really wanted to hear Hotel California from The Eagles. I was trying to explain how amazing it is on the live version of 'Hell Freezes Over' to a Euro friend of mine who didn't believe me. I did the 20 second preview but Rumple takes away your ability to.. well, to know anything correctly. The next day I checked and yup, Emmerson Nogueira is definitely not The Eagles. Also Euro's can't tell a Mexican from Don Henley either with Rumple infused thoughts. Total Damage- $1.99
Every portable CD player ever- The first "good one" and the last one I purchased are probably the ones I remember the best. In 1995 I paid somewhere around $170 for a yellow Sony sports discman. It had anti-skip, shuffle all, repeat 1, repeat all, and was water resistant. The anti skipping mechanism was absolute crap. I was so psyched the first time I took it out to run. I had such high aspirations. My previous Memorex CD player skipped all the time. It worked decently when I would lay perfectly still and wrap it in a cocoon of blankets and then secure it in an earthquake proof bumper. I put the new Sony in an Sony approved CD player fanny pack designed for running (another $55) and started my jog. It was just as crappy as the old one. This pattern finally stopped with the $155 Kenwood Exceleon I purchased in 1998. Yes, it still skipped and sucked horribly so I was fed up and gave it to my sisters. Thankfully my friend Tor heard about this magical new device called an MP3 Player that we could put all of the music we had downloaded from Napster on. We went halfsies on a 16mb Rio mp3 player and my world was changed. Total Damage- $125,639.28
 |
| Don Henley |
 |
| Not Don Henley |
Every portable CD player ever- The first "good one" and the last one I purchased are probably the ones I remember the best. In 1995 I paid somewhere around $170 for a yellow Sony sports discman. It had anti-skip, shuffle all, repeat 1, repeat all, and was water resistant. The anti skipping mechanism was absolute crap. I was so psyched the first time I took it out to run. I had such high aspirations. My previous Memorex CD player skipped all the time. It worked decently when I would lay perfectly still and wrap it in a cocoon of blankets and then secure it in an earthquake proof bumper. I put the new Sony in an Sony approved CD player fanny pack designed for running (another $55) and started my jog. It was just as crappy as the old one. This pattern finally stopped with the $155 Kenwood Exceleon I purchased in 1998. Yes, it still skipped and sucked horribly so I was fed up and gave it to my sisters. Thankfully my friend Tor heard about this magical new device called an MP3 Player that we could put all of the music we had downloaded from Napster on. We went halfsies on a 16mb Rio mp3 player and my world was changed. Total Damage- $125,639.28
Magazine Subscriptions- Every year rag tag groups of meth addicted teens would show up randomly at my apartment begging me to spend money on subscriptions to FHM, Maxim, and GQ. I fell for the deal one time because I had just been paid and the chick was hot. About as hot as a meth addicted chick with a neck tattoo could be. Somehow the bill for 2 different magazines for a 2 year subscription was something around $145. After a few months I hadn't received a single issue. I called the company and they said it was 3-6 months for processing and if I didn't receive an issue by then to call them back. I received my first 3 issues and then my lease was up and I moved. Each year the same process would continue and I would shoot them down. I still have buyers remorse from that summer in 2004.
Total Damage- $145
Juve the Great CD from Juvenile- Yeah, it had 'Slow Motion' on it but besides that it was fucking horrible. I ripped the song on my computer and then used the CD in the apartment frisbee derby of 2003. Total Damage- $14.99- fun level from watching it hit Earl right between the eyes on an "errant" throw- $25
Bridesmaids DVD rented at Red Box- I tried to like it, I really did. I sat through it up to the point where they are on the bus going to some place. I didn't think it was funny at all and I never got into it. It seemed like they took the exact same script written for a group of guys and then plugged in females in an attempt to make it work without any re-writes. Take a clue from 'The Sweetest Thing', that was a girl focused comedy that was hilarious. Bridesmaids is that girl at the mall that has on Coach shoes, a Louis V purse, True religion's, and John Deere shirt. Your're trying so hard but it doesn't work and something just isn't right..... Total Damage- $1.59
Sunglasses- I've lost and left more pairs of sunglasses than most people ever buy. The most recent pair were some Oakley Dispatch II's with green lenses I bought in the O'Hare airport Specifically for St. Patty's day. They lasted from Wed- Saturday and then at some point on Saturday night I lost them. I managed to keep track of them until that last bar, but from the bar to The James (Maybe 200 Feet) they walked off. I also had an awesome pair of all black Dior's that looked like Loc's. Those just disappeared one day too. Then there was the clear Oakley Jupiter's with purple lenses, numerous pairs of Spy and Von Zipper's and every pair of sunglasses I bought from 1995- 2004. I even gave away a pair of Dior's to my friend Shawn one night back in 2010, I saw him not too long ago and he managed to still have them. The only pair I know exactly was happened to them was in 2002. Some friends and I were on Gator's Nautique and watching Randy Harris throw re-mixes when a pair of red Spy MC's committed suicide by jumping ot their death and drowning in the lake. Randy saw it happen, grabbed a pair of Black Fly's he had from being sponsored by them and gave them to me. Coolest thing ever and I actually won on that deal. The oldest pair I currently have are some Dolce & Gabbana prescription sunglasses I bought with my HSA account in 2004. But to be fair to them I did leave them in Jen's car where they lived a nice safe life in Houston until 2012. I thought I left a pair of Tom Ford shades at Kenny's during a recent trip but thankfully I did not. I'm horrible with keeping track of them. You would think by now I would stick with Target shades. I can't do it. I still love Von Zipper, Spy, or the ridiculously expensive but amazingly designed Tom Ford shades. I've been jocking those Oliver People's Micheal Wesson wears on Burn Notice for a few years but eeeek are they expensive. Plus I'm sure Randy would punch me in the dick when I lose them.
Sunglasses- I've lost and left more pairs of sunglasses than most people ever buy. The most recent pair were some Oakley Dispatch II's with green lenses I bought in the O'Hare airport Specifically for St. Patty's day. They lasted from Wed- Saturday and then at some point on Saturday night I lost them. I managed to keep track of them until that last bar, but from the bar to The James (Maybe 200 Feet) they walked off. I also had an awesome pair of all black Dior's that looked like Loc's. Those just disappeared one day too. Then there was the clear Oakley Jupiter's with purple lenses, numerous pairs of Spy and Von Zipper's and every pair of sunglasses I bought from 1995- 2004. I even gave away a pair of Dior's to my friend Shawn one night back in 2010, I saw him not too long ago and he managed to still have them. The only pair I know exactly was happened to them was in 2002. Some friends and I were on Gator's Nautique and watching Randy Harris throw re-mixes when a pair of red Spy MC's committed suicide by jumping ot their death and drowning in the lake. Randy saw it happen, grabbed a pair of Black Fly's he had from being sponsored by them and gave them to me. Coolest thing ever and I actually won on that deal. The oldest pair I currently have are some Dolce & Gabbana prescription sunglasses I bought with my HSA account in 2004. But to be fair to them I did leave them in Jen's car where they lived a nice safe life in Houston until 2012. I thought I left a pair of Tom Ford shades at Kenny's during a recent trip but thankfully I did not. I'm horrible with keeping track of them. You would think by now I would stick with Target shades. I can't do it. I still love Von Zipper, Spy, or the ridiculously expensive but amazingly designed Tom Ford shades. I've been jocking those Oliver People's Micheal Wesson wears on Burn Notice for a few years but eeeek are they expensive. Plus I'm sure Randy would punch me in the dick when I lose them.
Blockbuster Video Late Fee's- NetFlix has my support for life. How much of a pain in the ass was it to rent videos? If you wanted to see something semi-new you paid more than you do now for On Demand movies. Blockbuster has finally died and I'm happy. A business plan that revolves around raping you daily on late fees by teenage assholes was bound to fail (take note Yellow Cab, #DallasNeedsUber). Think about it, back then people made less money and companies, in general, cared about customer service. Except Blockbuster. They charged something like $5.99 a day for late fees and $3.99 to rewind the VHS. If you were unlucky enough to have a late fee some Junior in high school would berate and shame you in front of everyone else until he felt you were one insult away from playing in traffic. I remember in high school going to rent a movie with a date and there was a $49 late charge from who knows when on there. My choices were pay the $49, which I didn't have or drive across town to the dirtball rental place, Movie Time. The bulk of their tapes were BetaMax, which hadn't been around in 7 or years and the VHS tapes they did have were either Disney or 3 stooges re-runs. There was a two week period in Austin when Stephanie and I fell into a pattern of waking up between 1 and 2 pm, then go to blockbuster to "rent" some movies from a guy she knew. She would smoke him out and then we'd take 3 or 4 movies to watch that afternoon. We would grab Taco Hell or Jack in the Crack and a 12 pack of Coors light. After the movies and pre-pre-drinking we'd hit up Bennigans for Pre-drinking and then downtown Austin. After 2 straight weeks of this the guy got fired and I was lucky enough to keep 'Head of State', 'Chasing Amy', 'Rescue Rangers: Down Under', 'Willow', and 'Half Baked'. Purely out of principle I kept these 5 movies about 3 years after I got rid of my VHS player. Total Damage- $3.5 Million in late fees
I'm sure there's a lot more stuff that I can't think of right now. I know Randy and Julie still won't go to Ruth Chris based on a Bday night we had there one night. Meal wise, I'm a fat kid and I think almost every meal was worth it. Wine, nah. Most of the wine I get is great. The Neyer Cab wasn't worth the price but at least that's a fun process. I think right now the best value item I've ever purchased is my swiffer. Not only does it clean hardwood floors but it's the Patriot Missile of killing wasps.
No comments:
Post a Comment