On Saturday night a friend and I were having a conversation with someone that we know, not real well, but mainly through passing. I was giving her (we’ll call her Star so it’s not so obvious who she is and I don’t want her laundry known) a bit of advice on her relationship status. Granted, I’m not the best person to give advice of this nature but in this particular situation I feel qualified.
She has been “not-dating” a guy for about a year. She wouldn’t go into his reasoning for not claiming her or entering into an actual relationship with her. She said that he has certain reasons and she understands. I don’t think she truly understands, but it’s a convenient explanation. From getting to knew her a little better I’m very pleasantly surprised about her. She is a (very!) beautiful girl with an amazing body. From my first impression I thought she was going to be a party/ club type girl that was physically attractive but lacking the mental piece that so many girls as gorgeous as she is usually missing. To her credit she’s got her stuff together. She goes to school full time, she goes to church, she has ambition, drive, no kids, and knows what she wants in life. She’s easy to talk to and hold conversations with and very intelligent as well. Honestly she’s as close to perfect as I could imagine. I can’t figure out for the life of me why this guy doesn’t want to claim her and start building the fundamentals necessary to develop a sound relationship.
I know that he has some reasoning (however flawed it might be) about her tattoos or maybe it’s race or the fact that she bartends when she’s not in school. Since she didn’t go into it I can only guess what common issues people have when they won’t take the step from “hanging out” to claiming the person and getting into the relationship area. I was in a relationship where the girl didn’t want to even go to the title dating. She still refers to people she’s dating as hanging out. With us though I knew her reasoning, she felt that dating and then girlfriend terminology eventually would trap her. She’s afraid to be along, but doesn’t want to be trapped into settling down. She also felt that I definitely wasn’t the one she wanted to settle down with if it came to that. I was too different than the idea of the person she eventually wanted to be with. I wasn’t heroin sheik thin, I didn’t have the hipster/ metrosexual dress, and I spoke my mind about everything. I told Star all about this and what my theory on this is. I truly feel if you like someone a lot or especially if you love someone then all the little BS gets thrown to the side. You don’t care if they aren’t your idea of a perfect person (let’s face it, that person doesn’t exist because you made them up and until the total recall thing happens they aren’t going to) but they make you so happy all of the time that certain things no longer matter. Look at it as a hypothetical sliding scale; at first they have 10 things going for them and 10 things going against them. Say item A going for them is their conversational ability. Once you’ve spent 4 or 5 long nights locked in in-depth conversation about life, happiness, and what not that now knocks off a couple items of things you didn’t like or were unsure about previously. As you grow and get to know this person each thing that you like gets amplified, while the other stuff gets forgotten.
I tried to get this point across to her, but with people in relationships it’s difficult. I know my last one sure was. She was crazy, did crazy retarded things all of the time but for some reason I stayed in the relationship. I see it all of the time and it’s easy to be on the outside looking in. For some reason it’s never as simple as it seems when it’s you as opposed to someone else. One thing I can’t seem to understand is why this guy isn’t taking advantage of having a really great girl who is phenomenally looking with an outstanding personality. He seems more concerned with other people’s initial perception of her. I’ve dated people that have a bad reputation or have certain negative qualities about them and I go back to saying that if you are really interested in them then all of that is moot. Some things are definitely deal breakers but then you wouldn’t get involved with them from the first point if that’s the case.
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