I'm solely Responsible for the Ranger's Collapse. And the Longhorns. And the Cowboys. and my FF Team

To say I'm sports superstitious would be an understatement.  If one of the teams I love loses then I can never wear that exact combination of sports paraphernalia again.  I recently took a trip to LA for the Rangers Vs Angels series in Cali.  The weekend was also Yulie's Birthday.  Normally when the three of us are on vacation we drink like it's St. Patty's day, but this time we were adults.  No shots, no debauchery (expect Randy's horribly bad driving that almost killed us multiple times), and I don't think we even got legally drunk during the course of trip.  We drank, but never to excessive measures.  This is where we failed all teams Texas and one from across the pond.  There hasn't been a birthday pass where a Vegas bomb isn't consumed to celebrate another year passing by the three of us.  Until this one.  By ignoring both the vacation and birthday themes the sports Gods were angered.  Not just angered but piiiiiiiiiissed.  The sports Gods don't take kindly to broken traditions and we broke two in one trip.  And on a sports trip.

Since that weekend the Cowboys are 2-2, the Longhorns have loses to BYU and Ole Miss, Man U looks on par with the regulated QPR, both Randy and my fantasy football teams are about to be 1-3 as Drew Brees choses to toss touchdowns to everyone but Marques Colston, and then we have the Rangers....  Playing for a wildcard spot and a trip to bean town, yet they forgot to show up.

With the annual Texas OU weekend approaching fast I'm scared.  Last year was bad.  Very, very, bad.  This year Texas hasn't looked anywhere near as the team that got whooped and OU is looking better.  Based on these facts I should take a vacation ASAP and fix this.  I told Randy that we should correct this by finding the smallest, town outside of SA that has a Motel 6 and a bar and knockdown Vegas bombs until the Gods are pleased.  Something needs to get fixed fast- I'm feeling like a Bengals fan and I don't like it.  On a side note the Browns won last weekend, Kansas City is undefeated, Arsenal is tops in the EPL, and the Rangers are losing 5-2 to the Tampa freaking Bay Rays.....

If You do This I don't Trust You

There are numerous things I don't understand in life, but I do believe that we see keys or qualifiers to let us not not to trust certain people.  I was discussing this with Drew on Sunday and then again with a friend from work and here's a list of things we can (mostly) agree on.

• Their Go-to footwear for everyday activities is finger shoes.  I've heard about the benefits numerous times of running barefoot or going to minimalist footwear and I have no issue with folks that use those shoes to work out and weight train.  The problem is they take it too far.  It starts with throwing them on to run short grocery errands and then quickly manifests to being paired with jeans or a sundress on a nice saturday night.  If you're losing your sense of reality in your 30's just go ahead and wave the white flag while making the move to white tube socks and all black/ white velcro shoes- it'll save you about $80 over those stupid finger shoes.
  
• Girls that don't have girl friends.  This only occurs in nature for two reasons: 1) The had sex with all of their girlfriends' previous boyfriends and then proceeded to do it again or 2) they were just born and have yet to meet any.
  
• You add an ice cube to your red wine.  You're just a savage, die!
  
• Every time you go to a foreign country you "magically" adopt that accent, then claim it's not forced.  We all probably came across this person first in elementary or middle school after they took a 10 day trip to England with their parents. The problem is they are now in their 30's taking 3 day trips to Sweden.  Stop it, just stop it.  No one believes that you actually have that accent when you can't even speak Swedish.  You might as well throw on that Ed Hardy hat and Affliction shirt, it's just as sad.
  
• You one up EVERYONE.  The friend that has always done or knows someone who has or knows X that's sooo much better than what you just did.  You got lucky and sat next to Micheal Jordan on the flight in first class, he/ she flew in Micheal Jordan's private plane and then sat in his personal suite with him for a Bulls Game.  You just bought a new C-Class, he/she used to have or has a friend that has 2 SLS.  Just thinking about it wears me out...
  
  
  
• Heeeelllllllooooo FAD dieter.  The new celery cleanse you are on will have you losing 15 pounds a day, which is way better than your raw, vegan, catch and eat what you kill diet which was also better than the one where you had to snort chili pepper and drink only concentrated lemon juice.  And all 3 diets lasted a combined 15 days.  People are always looking for a fad diet that completely changes their life in one gigantic starvation induced move, yet they never seem to lose any weight and refuse to exercise.  You want a diet that will change everything and make you skinny, do Meth.  I've never seen a fat Meth head.  AND it's so addictive you won't be able to quit it like the 295 other diets you've tried this year.  On the plus side when you do quit you'll be skinny and way too broke to buy food.
  
• You are staunchly opposed to gay marriage.  The religious nuts that campaign against it with signs, march on the state capital, and claim their God will have gay people burning in hell for all eternity for this transgression look exactly like the same people that used the same bible verses and logic to try and keep slavery legal and women from voting.  If you really think gay marriage degrades the sanctity of marriage why aren't you campaigning for tougher divorce laws.  Last I checked the divorced rate was something like 50% and gay people couldn't marry then.  Maybe, just maybe, if you don't believe in gay marriage you probably shouldn't marry a gay person.  Or maybe you secretly think dicks are delicious like the minister Ted Haggard.
  
  
  
• They tuck their shirt in and don't wear a belt.  How do you do this and not realize this is horrible?  The belt loops are there for a reason; both functional and appealing to the eyes to separate the top half of our bodies from the lower half it doesn't make sense to do this.  I see this most common with dad's with a way too tight sports jersey tucked into their jeans on casual friday.  I don't know if it's give up on life but anytime you wear a jersey you wear that bitch untucked.  
• You recently purchased a hybrid and make sure to inject that sentence in every conversation you have.  For the next 4 years.

  

  I Just don't understand.

  
  
• Your favorite baseball team is the yankees, your favorite basketball team is the lakers, your favorite football team is the packers/ patriots and you've never lived in those cities.  Sports are soap operas for men. They have more drama play out in front of you than any horribly written tv or movie could ever make up.  The emotional investment in watching your team win and lose makes up who you are and the number of ridiculous superstitions you adhere to before a game.  If you're just going to hop on the latest winner you definitely won't have my back and will probably throw me under the bus at the slightest hint or trouble.
• You don't know how to swim.  So you could die if you fell in any body of water five foot deep or if you were reeeeallly tied near a puddle and there was a heavy rain the previous day.  The earth is covered by water and you are fucked because you are too lazy to learn how to swim.  What if something happens and you have an accident where you fall in a lake or the ocean.  What do you do when you go the beach, wear floaties?
  
• The 40 year old pothead.  Are you really trying to sneak weed on a plane while explaining to your wife over the phone that you made sure to drop your daughter off at the in-laws?
  
• Any guy/girl that has only had sex with one person and that's the person they are married too.  "Awe but that's sweet", "that shows true love".  NOPE.... That's retarded.  No matter how much people try to deny it sex is a very important part of marriage.  If you all can't get along in the bedroom that will lead to more fights.  Women measure love by compliments and men measure it by the number and frequency of how many times you let us have sex with you.  True Story.
  
• If you don't own luggage.  So you haven't ever been anywhere and you aren't planning on going anywhere.  That's what your telling me?  Let me guess when you do finally plan on taking that 7 day cruise to Mexico and the Cayman's you'll  overload those 3 duffel bags you've had since jr.high... gotcha...
  
• If you've never owned a pair of Chucks or Vans.  Self Explanatory
  

And we'll end on a Joke... "How can you tell if someone is a Vegan?  They'll tell you, OH THEY WILL TELL YOU"