Unknown Comedian Review

Working for a quasi-government company has numerous perks, one being off on Veteran's day.  Being a Veteran myself I appreciate this.  More so because I love having days off than some sort of loyalty to a company that recognizes the sacrifice veterans make.  What did I do on a free Sunday night?  I watched the Cowboys get annihilated by the Saints, I gave Maily a bunch of shit Via txt for watching some DVR WB show instead of watching the Cowboys, I saw an Awesome Pun about T-Rex (Tea Rex w a bowler hat and a cup of Earl Grey), and I watched some shitty comedy from a super hot chick.

After getting kicked in the nuts from the Cowboys game I needed some laughter to make me smile.  I took a chance on a comedian I had never heard of.  It was a huge gamble because 1) It was a women 2) I have never heard of her.  I'm not in the group that thinks women aren't funny; Iliza Shlesinger, Amy Schumer, Nikki Glasser, and Sarah Tiana crack me up all day long.  I took a chance on Anjelah Johnson and hoped for the best.  It started slow.  About 15 minutes in I realized if she wasn't a 8 I would have turned it off.  She wasn't bad, but she wasn't good.  The jokes were the same level my friends make, just a little chuckle laugh.  BUT she's a freaking 10 when you add in her personality.  Let's check the hot boxes: Former Raiderette- check the cheerleader box, Part latin and part native american- check off the bi-racial box, good dancer check off the can you do awesome hip action box, casual clothing dress- check, not cunty- check.  Besides that she hit my trifecta of dark longish hair, hoop earrings, and Nike Dunks (seriously).  As a person, as a girl she would be the perfect catch.  She's beautiful and she sees humor in every day situations.  As a stand up it seemed about open mic level.  There was a lot of basic crowd pleasing lines "Where's my Latins at", "Who here goes to church", "Whose flown on a plane before" but the observational stuff and loop around jokes just weren't there.  You can see she has a passion for it, but to have an hour special on NetFlix already seems premature.  I kept hoping there was more to it and it never became more than an opener trying to work things out.  Iliza's cpecial, which is also on NetFlix, blows it out of the water.  If you want to see a female comedian who does it like a Pro should then watch her special.  Amy Schummer's is also on Comedy Central on Demand so if you don't have NF watch that one.

I'm still craving some comedy so I'm going to Listen to the Joe Rogan Podcast with Joey Diaz and Duncan Trussell.  Trusted Road comics with off collar, low brow humor.... that's where it's at.

Regretful Purchases

Like most normal adults I've done some drunk late night eBaying.  When the packages get delivered a few days later it's better than Christmas.  Wonderful things like a Day of the Dead coffee set, 4 packs of 1973 O-Pee-Chee hockey cards, chocolate covered bacon, Melinda's Naga Jolokia hot sauce, a $35 DVD of Gleaming the Cube starring Christian Slater from 1989, or maybe it's something practical and useful like an Obey fanny pack.  None of these are purchases I regret, these are fantastic amazing items that would make Tom Haverford say "Treat Yo Self'.  I do have numerous things I regret buying.  In fact I've re-gifted numerous gifts that were meant for previous ex's when the relationship ended prior to me giving it to them.  The majority of these things go to Julie and she distributes the "Break Up Swag" as she see's fit.  She kept the Mark Jacobs Sunglasses, gave away some jewelry and donated some clothing to good will.
Side note- A wasp just came in my sliding glass doors.  I didn't give him permission to buzz the tower so I did what uninvited guests wishing to kill me by the most painful death ever should receive; a spritz of wood polish from the swifter to confuse him then a smash against the wall with the removable dust pad.  Team Humans Bitch!

Here we go-

The iTunes purchase of the video of 'Hotel California' by Emerson Nogueira-  At some point one night around 2:20am I really wanted to hear Hotel California from The Eagles.  I was trying to explain how amazing it is on the live version of 'Hell Freezes Over' to a Euro friend of mine who didn't believe me.  I did the 20 second preview but Rumple takes away your ability to.. well, to know anything correctly.  The next day I checked and yup, Emmerson Nogueira is definitely not The Eagles.  Also Euro's can't tell a Mexican from Don Henley either with Rumple infused thoughts.  Total Damage- $1.99

Don Henley

Not Don Henley

Every portable CD player ever- The first "good one" and the last one I purchased are probably the ones I remember the best.  In 1995 I paid somewhere around $170 for a yellow Sony sports discman.  It had anti-skip, shuffle all, repeat 1, repeat all, and was water resistant.  The anti skipping mechanism was absolute crap.  I was so psyched the first time I took it out to run.  I had such high aspirations.  My previous Memorex CD player skipped all the time.  It worked decently when I would lay perfectly still and wrap it in a cocoon of blankets and then secure it in an earthquake proof bumper.  I put the new Sony in an Sony approved CD player fanny pack designed for running (another $55) and started my jog.  It was just as crappy as the old one.  This pattern finally stopped with the $155 Kenwood Exceleon I purchased in 1998.  Yes, it still skipped and sucked horribly so I was fed up and gave it to my sisters.  Thankfully my friend Tor heard about this magical new device called an MP3 Player that we could put all of the music we had downloaded from Napster on.  We went halfsies on a 16mb Rio mp3 player and my world was changed. Total Damage- $125,639.28

Magazine Subscriptions- Every year rag tag groups of meth addicted teens would show up randomly  at my apartment begging me to spend money on subscriptions to FHM, Maxim, and GQ.  I fell for the deal one time because I had just been paid and the chick was hot.  About as hot as a meth addicted chick with a neck tattoo could be.  Somehow the bill for 2 different magazines for a 2 year subscription was something around $145.  After a few months I hadn't received a single issue.  I called the company and they said it was 3-6 months for processing and if I didn't receive an issue by then to call them back.  I received my first 3 issues and then my lease was up and I moved.  Each year the same process would continue and I would shoot them down.  I still have buyers remorse from that summer in 2004.

Total Damage- $145

Juve the Great CD from Juvenile- Yeah, it had 'Slow Motion' on it but besides that it was fucking horrible.  I ripped the song on my computer and then used the CD in the apartment frisbee derby of 2003.  Total Damage- $14.99- fun level from watching it hit Earl right between the eyes on an "errant" throw- $25

Bridesmaids DVD rented at Red Box- I tried to like it, I really did.  I sat through it up to the point where they are on the bus going to some place.  I didn't think it was funny at all and I never got into it.  It seemed like they took the exact same script written for a group of guys and then plugged in females in an attempt to make it work without any re-writes.  Take a clue from 'The Sweetest Thing', that was a girl focused comedy that was hilarious.  Bridesmaids is that girl at the mall that has on Coach shoes, a Louis V purse, True religion's, and John Deere shirt.  Your're trying so hard but it doesn't work and something just isn't right..... Total Damage- $1.59

Sunglasses- I've lost and left more pairs of sunglasses than most people ever buy.  The most recent pair were some Oakley Dispatch II's with green lenses I bought in the O'Hare airport Specifically for St. Patty's day.  They lasted from Wed- Saturday and then at some point on Saturday night I lost them.  I managed to keep track of them until that last bar, but from the bar to The James (Maybe 200 Feet) they walked off.  I also had an awesome pair of all black Dior's that looked like Loc's.  Those just disappeared one day too.  Then there was the clear Oakley Jupiter's with purple lenses, numerous pairs of Spy and Von Zipper's and every pair of sunglasses I bought from 1995- 2004.  I even gave away a pair of Dior's to my friend Shawn one night back in 2010, I saw him not too long ago and he managed to still have them.  The only pair I know exactly was happened to them was in 2002.  Some friends and I were on Gator's Nautique and watching Randy Harris throw re-mixes when a pair of red Spy MC's committed suicide by jumping ot their death and drowning in the lake.  Randy saw it happen, grabbed a pair of Black Fly's he had from being sponsored by them and gave them to me.  Coolest thing ever and I actually won on that deal.  The oldest pair I currently have are some Dolce & Gabbana prescription sunglasses I bought with my HSA account in 2004.  But to be fair to them I did leave them in Jen's car where they lived a nice safe life in Houston until 2012.  I thought I left a pair of Tom Ford shades at Kenny's during a recent trip but thankfully I did not.  I'm horrible with keeping track of them.  You would think by now I would stick with Target shades.  I can't do it.  I still love Von Zipper, Spy, or the ridiculously expensive but amazingly designed Tom Ford shades.  I've been jocking those Oliver People's Micheal Wesson wears on Burn Notice for a few years but eeeek are they expensive.  Plus I'm sure Randy would punch me in the dick when I lose them.

Blockbuster Video Late Fee's- NetFlix has my support for life.  How much of a pain in the ass was it to rent videos?  If you wanted to see something semi-new you paid more than you do now for On Demand movies.  Blockbuster has finally died and I'm happy.  A business plan that revolves around raping you daily on late fees by teenage assholes was bound to fail (take note Yellow Cab, #DallasNeedsUber).  Think about it, back then people made less money and companies, in general, cared about customer service.  Except Blockbuster.  They charged something like $5.99 a day for late fees and $3.99 to rewind the VHS.  If you were unlucky enough to have a late fee some Junior in high school would berate and shame you in front of everyone else until he felt you were one insult away from playing in traffic.  I remember in high school going to rent a movie with a date and there was a $49 late charge from who knows when on there. My choices were pay the $49, which I didn't have or drive across town to the dirtball rental place, Movie Time.  The bulk of their tapes were BetaMax, which hadn't been around in 7 or years and the VHS tapes they did have were either Disney or 3 stooges re-runs.  There was a two week period in Austin when Stephanie and I fell into a pattern of waking up between 1 and 2 pm, then go to blockbuster to "rent" some movies from a guy she knew.  She would smoke him out and then we'd take 3 or 4 movies to watch that afternoon.  We would grab Taco Hell or Jack in the Crack and a 12 pack of Coors light.  After the movies and pre-pre-drinking we'd hit up Bennigans for Pre-drinking and then downtown Austin.  After 2 straight weeks of this the guy got fired and I was lucky enough to keep 'Head of State', 'Chasing Amy', 'Rescue Rangers: Down Under', 'Willow', and 'Half Baked'.  Purely out of principle I kept these 5 movies about 3 years after I got rid of my VHS player.  Total Damage- $3.5 Million in late fees

I'm sure there's a lot more stuff that I can't think of right now.  I know Randy and Julie still won't go to Ruth Chris based on a Bday night we had there one night.  Meal wise, I'm a fat kid and I think almost every meal was worth it.  Wine, nah.  Most of the wine I get is great.  The Neyer Cab wasn't worth the price but at least that's a fun process.  I think right now the best value item I've ever purchased is my swiffer.  Not only does it clean hardwood floors but it's the Patriot Missile of killing wasps.  

A Few Things I Like and a Few Things I don't Understand

Lists are fun, everyone like lists.  For most people a list gives them a hierarchy they accept and feel comfortable with.  Part of my job entails ranking things and devising metrics to determine quality and SLA for the better part of a day.  Right now developing and analyzing scorecards is taking up the majority of my day which means I'm going to make a list of things that don't correlate or have necessarily have anything in common but scoring this is on my mind.  I present to you a list of things that I like along with some things that I either don't like or understand.

Like/ Love/ Appreciate

Ramen- It's still fantastic.  I got hooked as a kid since it was cheap and we didn't have a lot of money growing up.  I learned to trick it up really quickly by adding chili powder, cooked chicken, maybe some cilantro and garlic powder, just about anything to make it the same but slightly different.  It's also the best $0.20 you will ever spend in your life.  When those save the kids in Africa commercials come on and tell you that you can feed a child for $0.40 a day, she's buying those kids 2 packs of beef ramen with your donation.  If there was a Mr. & Mrs. Ramen and they had a daughter I would track her down and marry her to be heir to the Ramen kingdom.  All the Ramen I could ever eat sounds magical.  Then I could get those special ramen flavors like chili lime that are hard to find to give as stocking stuffers to my friends that I like and I'd give away all the creamy chicken flavor to people as white elephant gifts or to people I don't care for.  Creamy chicken sucks, I hate that flavor.  Not even Melinda's Naga Ghost sauce can make it edible.

Red Wine that's not Merlot- Cab, Pinot, Chianti, Rioja, Tempranillo, Port, Red Blends, Syrah, and just about anything else besides Merlot is wonderful.  I'm really digging the Spanish reds right now.  Specifically this 2008 Vina Eguia from Spain.  I have 3 bottles of it in wine fridge and I keep buying more of it; I'm afraid the place where I get it from will run out soon.  It's not even an expensive wine, I just love it!  I have this hope that at some point I'll date an introspective chick who will like to come over to discuss life as we drink some red wine with Portishead playing in the back ground.  For this imaginary chick I'll break out the Vina Eguia, until then I'm giving you the bottle of cupcake Merlot Sadah brought over that's sitting at the bottom of the wine fridge to drink when you come over....

Tall Places- I like being up high (not being high).  The view from the Signature bar at The Hancock building in Chicago is one of my favorite places in the world to go for drinks.  I love climbing mountains, sky diving, looking out the window of a plane, and I think that's why I live on the 14th floor.  It's nice to sit on my balcony and hear the city while watching the view below.  

My friend's wife is deathly afraid of heights.  I'll send her pictures of people rockclimbing or on a high wire and she gets nervous.  The weird thing is she loves to ride roller coasters- her husband is deathly afraid of roller coasters but has no fear of heights.  I guess Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat were right, opposites do attract.

Puma Golf Clothes- Ricky Fowler has a good pulse of what the younger generation likes to wear.  Even on solid color items he does it right. A flat bill hat, good stripe combos, plaids that are a little crazy, a bottle opener on the belt, you name and he did it.  I smile when I see an old man rocking it on the course; he's getting shit from his fellow WWII soldiers as he has on a pink and purple argyle shirt with teal pants trying to convince his khaki clad friends he's hip.

The Speed round:

Crime (with Kendrick Lamar) by Mayer Hawethorne- Listen to it

Casio G-Shock Watches

Tomato soup w a Brie/ Munster grilled cheese

The color green.  Yes, the color

South Park

Goofy girls

Tacos

Puns

Day of the Dead (Dia De Los Muertos) Art

my Day of the Dead skeleton wine opener

Anything flat black murdered out

The Chive

Marmut jackets

Soup

Laffy Taffy Jokes

Girls in beanies (it's starting to get cold after all)

Working from home

(whispers)... Rumple.... shhhh... I should probably do a few entries titled The Rumple Diaries about all the crazy things I've done or that have happened when Rumple was in play.  

Hate/ Confused about/ Not for me

Facial Hair- Definitely not for me.  I'm blonde and I've always thought blonde people with facial hair look like pedophiles.  It's an uncomfortable sight to see that much blonde hair on someone, auto pedo alert.  Some people can make it look really good and do it year round.  A friend of mine can look like a hipster conquistador in no time flat along with another who pulls off Wyatt Earp with ease.  They both look good and it works on them. Me, not so much.....

McDonalds- They don't have good food.  In fact they take an item that's good at the place you would normally go and suck the flavor out.  I think the board room pitch for their latest menu offering went something like this: 

"OK everyone likes wings, right?  Well, we know Wing Stop, Pluckers, and even that sub par shit Buffalo Wild Wings is putting out is making a killing.  So we're going to offer the more expensive elementary school cafeteria made version of wings. BUT, BUT, BUT we're going to call them mighty wings and pay Alex Kapernick a shit load of money to act like they're edible.  

No way, it won't work.

Yes it will.  Remember that shit sandwich we called the Southern Chicken Sandwich after Chick-Fil-a's way better version?  People still eat that and it's fucking hoooooorible.

(everyone nods their heads, applause roars, board meeting over)"  Ladies and Gentlemen, Mighty Wings

Non-stop rain-  It could be raining for 8,000 straight days and some jerk is going to say "well, we definitely need the rain".  Do we, do we really?  I don't own a house so all it does it make it so I can't go outside when the weather is nice because of the hordes of mosquitoes attacking my legs.  If I wanted to live in a grey sky world I'd move to Seattle or the Mid West.  Until then give me back my dry climate.  Also, to all those climate change deniers- um... I think it's pretty evident our climate is changing from our actions.  Go take that "climate is cyclical" argument Bill Jones and his DeVry Phd approved study to Rick Perry's dumb ass.

Family stick figure stickers- Can this go the way of the Baby on Board sign?  Wow- you can procreate, and adopt a pet.  I'm super proud of you random Tahoe driver lady.  What's that, you have 4 kids a wife and 3 pets, looks like that Nissan Versa is a little too small and you're going to need to get another set of stickers when you join Tahoe lady up there... sigh.... I know there is a lack of originality in most people, hell one of my best friends named his dog Frisco after the city he lives in, but come one.  

The word Blessed- Can't stand it.  How many Creaster's (a term for people that only go to church on Christmas and Easter) out there have started dropping that word on a daily basis.  It fits with people over the age of 65, but anyone else sounds uncomfortable in the usage of it.  Even they know it.  They say "Yesterday Tommy got an A in finger painting for kindergarten.  We're blessed to have such a bright child" while looking at you in that re-assuring manner to see of they used the term properly.  Well guess what, the definition is 'Made holy, consecrated, or of a sacred nature.  Having a kid is not holy and that kid being able to dunk it's booger diggers into paint and smear it is something  a dog can do So no, you did not.  Nor did you use it correctly when you said we were blessed to receive free shots from the bartender.  

The Speed Round:

Giant luggage style purses on women

Kiss FM

People who live in Kansas

Kale

Doing things just because it's tradition

Sepp Blatter

People that care about Miley Cyrus who aren't her family

Raising Cane's

Aeropostle Clothing- I don't have a good reason for this one, I just don't like it.

Wilco

It's bed time for me and I'm going to read some more of 2666 by Roberto Bolano before I hit the hay.  Ski ya guys later.