Top 5, Bottom 5 Sandwich

Lists are fun, everyone likes lists.  So, let’s get to the top 5, bottom 5 sandwiches.

Starting with the bottom 5 in reverse order:

5) Bologna- I never liked it, never understood the appeal of this mystery meat that was way too salty, and never sung the Oscar Meyer song about it.  I heard a story once (or I might have made it up) that John Wayne Gacey would lure children to come with him from bologna sandwich offerings. If you want to prevent child deaths we should end the myth of bologna being a viable sandwich option now.

4) Ketchup sandwich- I had never heard of this before 2003 when some people I worked with talked about it. I thought they were lying and asked around.  It turns out this is a very poor meal that certain ethnic groups in the south eat at times when they don’t have meat. They get the bread from the day old bread store and they grab as many packets of ketchup as they can from the local fast food joint.  Add the ketchup to your bread; if the ketchup wasn’t filled with kangaroo pour, bird beak, red dye, and whatever else is lying around in the back of the plant as waste you almost have a vegetarian meal.

3) Tuna salad- I love tuna, I loathe tuna salad. I like tuna with garlic, lemon, dill, and olive oil.  I like tuna with sriacha mayo or just as it is.  I can’t stand when you ruin it with grapes, celery or the scraps of what’s caked in the bottom of your blender.  This was invented in a southern elementary school cafeteria by the attention starved ADD kid who mixed up everything on his tray and ate it that way every day.  The only possible explanation for his lack of taste buds is fetal alcohol syndrome and a 2 pack a day Marlboro reds habit… in the 4^th grade.

2) Pimento cheese- blah!  It’s the evil twin of the grilled cheese.  One is made of wonderful cheese bliss and the other is made from cardboard, cast off olive scraps, and whatever filler is left over from Brazilian butt surgery.

1) Egg salad- it takes something I love (eggs) and adds a bunch of unnecessary shit, then you mix it up and further ruin the eggs by serving them cold.  What a terrible invention. 

The top 5 sandwiches in reverse order

5) Roast Beef- I prefer mine very simple; lots of horseradish, either cheddar or provolone is fine, and bread. That’s it.  Sometimes a dollop of spicy mustard is welcome or you can add some au jus and turn it into a French dip rather easily.  Either way the only way to ruin a roast beef sandwich is to add lettuce, tomato, or horrible stringy beef. 

4) Monte Cristo- part dessert, part sandwich. If you aren’t up for the challenge the Monte Cristo will put you out like a thanksgiving meal.  Ham, turkey, cheddar and provolone come together with batter and are deep fried.  Then you sprinkle some powdered sugar on top with a raspberry sauce to dip in.  I’ve a love affair with this sandwich for as far back as I can remember.  I used to eat it exclusively with my dad and then in high school my friends and I went to Bennigan’s (RIP) pretty frequently. They made the best one version, Cheddar’s tried but it was never up to par.  Two kinds of meat, two kinds of melted cheese, sweet raspberry jam, and powdered sugar.  It’s a diabetic coma waiting to happen.

3) Meatball- The best one in Dallas is made at Jimmy’s food store off.  The meatballs are made from the trifecta of beef, lamb, and pork in the butcher’s area every morning and the provolone is brought in from Italy a couple times a week.  They offer peppers they make in house, but I like it sans peppers with a little parm sprinkled on top and its perfection.

2) Grilled Cheese- so many amazing combinations of this entrée exist.  Like most kids I was introduced to the American singles on buttered wonder bread version.  With my move in adult hood I tricked it up but replacing the American cheese with a brie and murica al vino combination.  When it’s chilly outside it’s my go to meal with a bowl of tomato basil soup.  Melty- gooey goodness of the cheese and the right amount of crunch from the bread takes this queso sandwich up to the top.

1) Blackened Chicken, bacon, and avocado- When I was 16 my first job was at Steak and Ale bussing tables and doing the morning salad bar/ expo prep.  One day one of the cooks blackened up a chicken breast, threw it on a hamburger bun with a garlic pesto mayo he created, placed some applewood smoked bacon down, half a sliced avocado and 2 slices of half melted provolone “to help hold everything together, my friend”; my sandwich world changed.  Almost 20 years later it’s still my favorite meal.  I’ve taught it to the cook at a few local bars that I go to as an off menu selection, I make it at home on Sunday mid morning when I watch EPL games, and if it’s a restaurant that I trust and I’ll order it.  I’m always skeptical though.  You don’t want the favorite ruined with mediocre versions and it’s easy to ruin. If the avocado isn’t fresh, the seasoning isn’t done well on the chicken or they over cook the hell out of the chicken like some many people do, you’ll be left wanting.